Getting through your storm right now
When we know that a storm is going to hit, we are usually forewarned by the tv or our phone. If there is a chance we might lose electricity, we prepare some candles. If hail is predicted we park our cars undercover.
Throughout our life, various storms pass through, but they come in the form of illness, domestic violence, childhood trauma, financial hardship, loss of employment or income, family breakdown, divorce, and poor mental health to name just a few, and while there are often red flags leading up to some of these things, when we look back in hindsight, more often than not, there is no forwarning.
In my first book “Flirt with Justice” https://reneeeaves.com/flirt-with-justice/ I share my own personal story, and talk about the various storms that I weathered over a number of years. Sharing my story inspired thousands of people to stand strong through their own adversities by reading about how a long legal battle affected me mentally physically financially and emotionally.
When I realised sharing my story had the ability to lift others up, I very quickly wanted to extend on that. We all have a story, we all have adversity and we all experience battles, but the truth is not everyone has the same level of support when a storm hits.
It is for that reason I am now sharing some practical information to support you right now in whatever it is you are currently experiencing in your own life. Some more than handy hints and tools that I have picked up along the way, insight that I know will support and serve you if a storm is passing through your life.
This mini eBook is my gift to you. My way of holding a torchlight if you are experiencing any ongoing darkness, trapped emotions or if you are feeling lost about where next to turn.
For me personally, one of the biggest lightbulb moments I have ever experienced was when I was in a domestic violence relationship and a social worker gave me a very basic brochure that had an illustration of a circle that showed the cycle of abuse. It was a picture of a wheel that described examples of where the cycle of abuse begins, and what that looked like. It described very simply how in the beginning tension builds, how the tension progresses to the next stage on the wheel in the form of an argument or an acute explosion, and how it moves to the honeymoon phase, again outlining what that phase actually looks like, being the apologies, feelings of relief, promises of a better future, and offers to attend counselling etc, then eventually ending up right back at the beginning of the wheel at the tension building phase again.
For me it was like a massive gush of relief to be given this information. I was in a complicated situation that I was finding hard to articulate, and hard to get out of because I was right in the middle of the darkness. Explaining this pattern in a brochure served as an incredibly useful diagnostic tool for me. Once I felt there was a diagnosis of what was going on, I noticed a shift within myself, in that I was able to start focussing on the possibility of a cure. I found this simple picture of nothing more than a circle with some arrows and words, to be the single most helpful and powerful piece of information I have ever received that actualised change in my life.
Grab a piece of paper and a pen, because I am going to use my experience to be the umbrella in your storm for a moment. This simple exercise will shine a light so that you can more easily identify where you are currently at, and what you can actually do to help yourself move through any storm.
1. Ask yourself what are the primary feelings I am experiencing right now? For example, if you have just lost a loved one the stages of grief can often be denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. If you are experiencing an injustice it might be fury and feelings of revenge. If you are sick, fear may be your dominant thought. If financially things are not good you might be experiencing feelings of helplessness or frustration. Whatever it is that you are feeling write it down (it can be more than one thing).
2. What are the causes of what you are feeling right now, form a list of possibilities?
3. In this list of possibilities, you have just created, go through each one and honestly answer if there is anything you can do to change any one of them.
4. Now is your chance to get creative, start thinking about solutions to the things you actually can change and note them down.
5. For the things that you believe you can’t change, use what I call the onion technique, where you keep peeling the layers until you get to the core of why this feeling is strong enough to interrupt your peace. Think really deeply, is it an old wound that hasn’t healed therefor keeps showing up in other areas of your life and with other people in your life because you haven’t addressed or accepted those same feelings or that same lesson?
6. Could it be possible that your feeling is serving as a deliberate road block to put you on another path?
7. Is there any chance you could be over reacting?
8. Are you avoiding the same feelings that repeat in various areas and times of your life?
9. What is avoidance costing you?
10. Do you think you have the ability to accept the feelings that have come up as they and be at peace with them, without trying to change them?
One of my greatest memories of my nana was when as a child having braces on my teeth, her and pop would take me to get them adjusted, I was often in agony and on the way home from the city , they would call in to this particular jewellery store and let me choose something sparkly which would shift my focus from the throbbing. It’s just one of those random memories that has stuck with me through my life, I don’t know why.
